On Being Brave

Thank you, Kathleen Kelly, for that wonderfully accurate description of me at this particular point of my life.

A question that I keep coming back to in regards to my pursuit of a career in publishing is whether or not I actually want to do it. At this point in my life, I feel like I should start to cultivate something more permanent and stable. And given the loss of certain idealist mentalities, I decided that it wasn't so much the what of all but simply the act of committing that I needed to embrace. It's not the end of the world if your job or career isn't something you love, despite what people say about not ever working a day in their lives when you do the thing you love. That was, unfortunately or fortunately, the belief I carried around with me for a long time. I saw settling for something stable, secure, and expected as being a sell-out, choosing the comfortable life over the meaningful one.

But let's be real here. There is too much chance in the world, and people too complex, for life to be so black and white. A meaningful life can be made, found, created, stumbled upon in infinite and abundant ways.

And while I wish I had a single driving force and focus of my life, I acknowledge that I simply don't. I have, to my credit and despair, several interests. Books being one of them. I don't need my job to be the thing that defines me. Because it doesn't. It is a means or even a part, of what I hope will be a small, but meaningful life.

But I still can't help but wonder if I'm romanticizing publishing. I love to read. Books are incredibly important to me and the life I lead. And so I can't help but wonder if I actually want to get into publishing, or if its something I think is logical for me, or if I just think it would be super awesome to work in publishing. The reason I keep coming back to this question is because I still don't know that much about the book world, and don't read as much as I should, and how can I dedicate myself so wholeheartedly to publishing when I don't know what's its about. I can't really see myself working up the ladder, mingling and networking, to be successful in the book world. I can't envision going to work everyday at a publishing house.

Do I do it because I love it, or because I haven't been brave?

Some people might call what I've done by coming out here as being brave. But it's not bravery, it's foolishness. Going all in on something is hardly new to me. A good friend kindly pointed out to me several years ago that once I get an idea in my head, I'm stubborn enough to not let go of it and to throw myself into whatever it is. At whatever cost.

Being brave would entail something else entirely. It would entail, I would think, not feeling like a fraud all of the time. It would entail diving into something you know you could do for years on end, something you could envision yourself doing. It would entail not doubting yourself and not caring about not having all of the skills necessary because, damn it, this is IT for you.

That's what I think, at least.

And it seems like I haven't let go of my idealist ways after all.

Back in the Trenches: Subbing

For my ESL job, I primarily deal with test writing and the editing of text books. Hidden in all the fine print of my job description is that I should be open and willing to take on other tasks for the company, as needed. My first day on the job—my first minute on the job—I was thrown into the lion’s den, working the front desk and acting as the first point of contact when people walked in or called. Although the danger? threat? prospect? of stepping in to teach a class loomed near, I was able to somehow avoid the call. That is, until last week when I got an email from my boss asking me if I would sub for a week to replace a teacher that just wasn’t working out.

There was no way I could say no. And, to be honest, I didn't really want to. Sure, my last teaching experience wore down my spirits and tarnished my outlook in teaching English overseas, but now that some time has passed, I began to miss teaching. Or at least, interacting with students. Although I am at the centers 4 days a week, I sit in my office working on computers and with books and I don't interact with any of the students that pass my door on a daily basis.

Thus, I went home on a Tuesday evening armed with books, curriculum for the week, and a tentative lesson plan for the next day’s class. And I was up and teaching intermediate English the following day from 8am to 11am.

I could not tell you just how nervous about subbing. My natural disposition is to be nervous and I was never able to quell those first-day jitters as a student, never mind as a teacher. My butterflies were compounded by the fact that I was completely unfamiliar with the texts, the classroom, and how the center likes to run its classrooms. I arrived not knowing how many students I would have in my class, what resources I would have at my disposal, or even what the attendance policy was. That many unknown factors practically spells DISASTER for teachers because that means parts or even the whole of their lesson plan could fail and then you're left scrambling. It's one thing when I find out that something in my lesson plan doesn't work when it's my class, because I know the material and the students and can figure something out on the fly. But to be left floundering in front of a class is never good. Especially when you're a sub. You have to overcome so many things going against you before you even walk into the classroom.

Besides not knowing all the things about the class that their regular teacher would know, you have to work hard to gain their trust and hopefully, respect. The older the students are, the harder it is to get them to put their faith in you that a) you know what you're talking about, b) that the work they're doing in your class does count, and c) despite you being a sub, you care about the students and will support them for as long as you're there. In my case, it was all of these things, plus the fact that they had just gone through a teacher who didn't deliver. If anything, walking into the classroom last week I had more distrust going against me than usual.

I subbed for 4 days. The first day, as always, was the hardest, and I thought each day was better than the last until the last day when I had to say goodbye to them. They were all surprised that it would be our last day together, and while they voiced their disapproval, "Why do you leave us?" "Why do we keep changing teachers?" I knew they were also nervous about the teacher who would come after me. It's never a good thing to keep changing teachers on students, it's so disruptive. And I really felt for these students; I wouldn't want to keep adjusting to a new instructor every week. But I think the new teacher will be the one that sticks.

And I had soo much fun with the students. They were so diverse (lots of south americans and europeans, but just a few asian students!) and I loved seeing them learn from each other. They were so great and I honestly couldn't have asked for a better group of students to spend a few days with. I got a few compliments on my teaching and that made me happy because I really tried hard for them as I wanted them to have a good experience coming out of their time with the previous teacher. They could have been trying to be nice, but I appreciated the words nonetheless.

Long story short: I forgot just how exhausting teaching is! To be so mentally engaged for hours at a time! I was mush afterwards! But I also forgot just how much I actually do like being in the classroom. I'm not looking to go back in as a full-time thing just yet, but it's nice to return to every once and a while.

NYC heatwave

It has been freaking hot.

Temperatures in the 90s with high ass humidity. Temperatures at night still in the 80s.

Simply put, it has been miserable.

And New York being what it is, there's quite often no central air. I've had to go without AC before, but I've never had to try to sleep without it. It makes sleeping at night nearly impossible to do.

I remember last summer in Korea, the AC unit in our classroom broke, and after break I came back to the classroom there was christmas music blasting, a youtube video of snowfall was playing on the projector, students were drawing snowscapes on the white board, and everyone was eating ice cream. It was all an attempt to get their minds thinking that it wasn't hot, that they were experiencing the cold of winter and not the oppressive heat of summer. I got free ice cream out of it and a great memory. That class in particular was a joy to teach.

On New York, Publishing, and the Future

I've put off posting about this until I gathered my conflicting emotions and thoughts enough that I could sit down and write something that would make sense.

I've seriously been contemplating the future of my life here in new york and in publishing. I had planned to intern until october, giving me half a year at the agency, before I'd strike out on my own and get that coveted publishing house position. Over the course of the internship, it became apparent to me that that probably wouldn't happen. The first reason being the work that I do now is similar but not exactly the work that happens in a publishing house. As it stands, I have no idea if I'd even like the work I'd do at a publishing house. Being inexperienced as I am, I'd need and want to do another internship with a publishing house. Only that living in new york and doing another unpaid internship just isn't financially feasible or responsible for me at the moment.

Not the mention that before I left for New York, I had opportunities in California similar to my current internship. Complicating things further is this overwhelming need to be in California--nothing against New York. All things being considered, it makes sense for me to go back to San Diego to get more experience before venturing out and (hopefully) making my way back to New York or San Francisco.

When I first thought about going back to California I also saw it as giving up my interest in publishing and I was seized with the thought that no, I wasn't ready to put this dream aside just yet. It's like when you flip a coin to make a decision and in the moments that coin is in the air, you suddenly know exactly what it is that you want.

I haven't decided exactly when I'd leave, but the earliest would be the beginning of September and the latest the beginning of October. In the meantime, I just need to make sure I have things lined up for me when I get back to CA. I have a few ideas, but I'll have to do a bit more research.

It's been a crazy but informative journey thus far, and I hope things pan out in the best way possible.

a tale of two jobs

I came to New York for an internship. I wanted to try something new and wanted to see what else I could do. After a month at the job, I’m still feeling noobish, and I can’t help but think that I may not be cut out for the field after all. As inexperienced as I am, I also think that I may be missing something–a kind of instinct, perhaps?–where I not only lack confidence in my choices due to the fact that my gauge is all messed up. Even though I’ve been back in the US for 2 months, I feel like I’m still so far away. I am disassociated with my home culture and can’t comment on a lot of things because I honestly can’t. I feel like I should do and read and catch myself up with what is going on–to get my fingers back on the pulse of society–but I have been so exhausted with just trying to get through everything I need to do each day. I know that sounds like an excuse, and it feels like one, but I struggle with so much daily, from my apartment situation (I just moved, again!) to my financial situation, that by the time I get home, there’s nothing I want more than to let my mind rest and waste on tumblr or instagram.

 So while I’m feeling still out of sorts with my internship, I just got hired at another job unrelated to publishing. It’s actually an ESL related job, but not a teaching position. I am a “product developer” but really just a test writer. It’s been months since I’ve stepped back into my teacher/esl shoes, but like all well-worn pairs, they were the perfect fit. While I’ve never thought I was a particularly skilled or wonderful teacher of ESL, through the training process, I was able to see just how much I’ve actually learned over the years to the point where it felt like I was the most experienced of the group. We all have our strengths, and the other new-hires have better writing skills than I do, better editing skills than I do, but in terms of classroom experience and practical application of materials, it felt like I had a lot to offer. The ESL job was something that I stumbled upon and fit all my prerequisites, so while I wasn’t exactly looking to get back into ESL, I thought that applying for the position couldn’t hurt. And I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the result. Honestly, it isn’t too different from the non-teaching aspect of what I was doing in my last year in Korea, and it feels great to feel like I have some command over what I’m doing.

I thought about it and interestingly enough, I don’t know a ton of NSETs who have used their experience to propel them into a career of ESL once they get back home. A lot of NSETs who enjoyed teaching ESL in Korea come back and are all eager to get teaching certificates, only to find that they don’t actually like teaching English–they liked teaching English in Korea. It’s a small, but important distinction. I know people who figure out that their heart just isn’t into it in the way that it was back in Korea. And sometimes, their experience just doesn’t translate that well into a position in their home countries. Either way, I actually don’t know of anyone who has gone back home and has continued with ESL. And again, I feel terribly grateful about my time in Korea and what I was able to do there. I large part of my recognizes that I probably wouldn’t have gotten this job if it hadn’t been for me teaching at a university and having experience with writing exams and administering assessment tests. If I had taught in middle school, or stayed at the high school level, I wouldn’t have been expected to create exam materials (except for maybe speaking tests). And then, I couldn’t have taught at the university level if it wasn’t for my MA degree. In a surprising twist of fate, it seems like the path that’s best open/suited for me is one related to ESL. I complain a lot that I have a hodgepodge of experience that doesn’t lead me anywhere… except that I’ve recently learned that in the world of ESL at least, without me even knowing or planning, I’ve been climbing this ladder. I, indeed, have a path available to me.

This complicates my life only in the sense that, well, I want to be good at the work that I do. I want to be confident and capable in my job. And, let’s be honest, I would also like to get paid for the work that I do, especially in this city. For the ESL job, I’m only working part-time (and part-time at the internship), but there’s an opportunity to go full-time once my project is completed, probably in late August/September. About the same time as when I planned to end my internship. I think I’ll give myself until then to see what my options are. If I continue to suck at my internship and can’t see a viable future for me in that field, or if I come to find that I really like working at this particular ESL company, I’ll go in that direction. If I figure more things out in publishing and don’t suck and really enjoy it, then I’ll continue to pursue it. Either way, I’m giving myself until the end of summer because I don’t want to make a decision too soon (not that I can at the moment though). But really, I’m surprised that I’m back in ESL again–no one is more surprised than me, let me tell you. Oh, and my office is in the Empire State Building. It’s one pretty awesome perk.