I Left My Heart In Seoul

My most favorite Oppa (and only oppa lets be real) is getting married! I could not be more happy for him and his fiancee. The wedding looks like it will be in October of this year in SEOUL. While I was thinking about making a return trip to Korea next year, I certainly don't mind going sooner than that. I'm seriously too excited over the prospect of being in Korea in 6 months that I can't think of anything else. (But to be honest, I've got a lot of things to do this year w/friend's baby + bridal showers that I don't know if I can go to Korea this year < /3)

On Taking That First Step Towards Adventure

Not too long ago, I made a post over at heartmindnseoul to kind of close things out there. I hated the open-ended feeling that blog had, and to be honest, I had been planning on writing so sort of "6 months later/ 1 year later" type of post, and the timing was right this past week so I thought why not. And while I'm always surprised to get any kind of response at all, I was completely shocked to get what I can easily say is the nicest comment I've ever received from a blog. It was humbling and sweet because much as I like to say that I blog for my personal needs, the public nature of blogging lends itself to an audience and it's nice when someone takes notice. <3

But more than just saying some very nice things about my seoul blog, she had this to ask me:

The heartache to which she refers was described in a several long and emotionally-wrecked posts I wrote about knowing that I needed to leave Seoul, but that in doing so I would be breaking my own heart. I thought I would share my response to this question because it's not always easy taking that first step into the unknown.

I would just say, as a general rule of thumb, that getting outside of your comfort zone is always a good thing. Not only is it necessary, I feel, but also enlightening. Necessary because it forces a person to interact and experience the world in a way that they may not have even imagined or conceived of, and in that exchange with the world a person themselves becomes more aware of their humanity. Enlightening because it forces a person to grow and understand themselves in a whole new way. If we, as people, are the sum of our experiences, then we are better off having these out-of-comfort-zone-experiences than not--no matter what comes. In that sense, it is beneficial in two ways: the first for the general and universal human condition, and the second for our own personal growth and development. Thats how I see it at least.
 That is not to say that it is always easy. I've had really difficult moments where I've stepped out of my comfort zone and have been caught completely unprepared, or that somehow the situation turned out to be something completely different from what I expected--but I have never, ever regretted the decision and the choice to at least find out and explore an option. Even when things didn't work out for me, I learned something about myself that I didn't know before, and answered a question for myself. It is a comfort to know that the situation was settled and that I won't have to go through the rest of my life thinking about "what if" or questioning what my life would be like if I made other choices. I don't have to wonder because I know. And that, at the very least, is a great comfort.
 So, long story short, the answer to your question about whether the heartache I experienced leaving Seoul/Korea (and to a certain extent continue to feel) was worth it... the answer is yes. An absolute, clear, unequivocal and resounding YES.
 If you feel worried and afraid about taking the big step to move to Korea, I would say that it is completely normal. If you weren't at least a little bit nervous about it, then I would be worried. But the fact that you are says that it means something to you, and that is already a wonderful sign. I would like to say that it gets easier. And what I mean by that is with each out-of-your-comfort-zone experience, you gain so much and grow so much that suddenly what you found to be intimidating before no longer seems so. You're more prepared to handle situations that seem overwhelming to others. And the whole process, I truly believe, is just invaluable.
 

We Meet Again: Hey Sister Seoul Sister

A wonderful consequence of living abroad is the simple fact that you meet people from all over, from so many walks of life. And if you're lucky, you meet those people with whom you just click and become fast and forever friends. I've been fortunate enough to be still be able to call the friends I met in Korea my dear friends even as I've moved back home, but all the distance doesn't allow for all of us to interact in the same way as we did before, obviously.

All that means that when we can reunite, we are bound for the best of times. One of my Seoul sisters, Erica, was recently in town and we picked up right where we left off and got to spend our days doing what we love best, being outdoors and under the sun!

Erica and I playing at Central Park, August 2013

Friendships like ours are just another reason why I am such a proponent of living abroad. Erica is also an advocate of an international lifestyle, and through our experiences, both shared together and retold, our collective understanding of life and humanity and the awesomeness of the world is enriched and compounded and made beautiful. When we were walking around nyc, I asked Erica if she felt weird being in the US (she's Brazilian-Italian and has lived in so many countries), and she responded so simply, saying that the more countries she visits and the more cultures she experiences meaningfully, the more she's able to see what makes us the same rather than different.

                                 

Erica and I on my last night in Seoul, March 2013 

Not to say that we should become one homogenous world, but its that desire to known our neighbors as our neighbors and not as something exotic that we aspire to. Each place has its own history and has something unique to offer to the world, and should be celebrated of course, but I think you can appreciate how a place is different from what you know without seeing it as other.

                                         

With some of our other Seoul sisters, Andrea and Julie, on what has become one of my favorite days in Korea, February 2013

I have so many friends who share my love of travel as our perspectives tend to run along similar lines, but in particular, it was so great to have one of my dearest friends from Seoul around for a few days. Because no matter how many stories you tell to others in order to explain what you've seen or how you lived, they remain mere stories and somethings can't be explained in words. With Erica, there was no need to explain anything because she lived through it with me, and reminded me of the who I was at a specific time of my life. As we swapped stories and memories, she was able to make Seoul come alive for me again in a way that nothing else has. For a few days, it was like I was able to visit Korea again.

Thoughts from CA: These are my people!

One of my favorite traveling experiences happens whenever I get to the gate in an airport terminal that leads me home. There are few things I love more than arriving at that gate and settling into a pleather seat. Yes, it is literally the gateway that will lead me home, but more than that, I love being surrounded by other people also heading to San Diego. 

I've been on a lot of flights bound for San Diego, and even within California itself, there's nothing quite like the feeling of the people who are on a flight bound for my hometown. Maybe I'm a bit biased here, but people just feel friendlier, seem happier, and are visibly excited. Also, there is an energy in the air that is less crazy and more relaxed, as if everyone is collectively breathing a sigh of relief for making it back home. 

Of course, there's still the crazy. Being the tourist city that it is, you do get the people who are flying in for a visit, those who are, of course, welcomed, but they inhale when the rest of us are exhaling. I've been asked this so many times about what is particularly interesting to do or see in San Diego, but that's not it. The best thing about San Diego isn't what you do there, it's being there. It's a state of mind. 

So when I arrive at the gate and see all the other people waiting to board, I like that moment when I settle into the atmosphere of people like me, hearing their conversations of the times and places all of which I know intimately, which I carry with me wherever it is that I go.

Thoughts from CA: A Feeling of Home

I've written at length at how worried I had been about coming home from Korea to find that my hometown no longer felt like my hometown. It might have been born out of necessity, but in the weeks and months leading up to my final departure from the ROK, I was so looking forward to coming home and experiencing all that was good and comforting about my hometown. I was eager to celebrate everything that was different from Korea and Seoul. And I wanted that elusive but intimate feeling of belonging. I mean, I was about to turn in everything I had going for me in Korea and travel thousands of miles away... there had to be something to make it worth my while. I did try, I swear I did, to temper my enthusiasm so I wouldn't feel too disappointed when the romanticized idea of my triumphant return didn't pan out to be what I wanted it to be. But as with everything, hope survives.

And so it should come as no surprise to anyone that the reality of my homecoming was slightly different that my expectations. My biggest worry--that I would not actually feel that sense of belonging--came true and I felt strange and awkward in my hometown. I felt too big, too fast, too loud, and the city too small, too quiet, too slow. I was out of sorts.

I didn't want to move to New York. That wasn't the plan. I wanted to sink my heels in California and start to build my life there. So I wasn't thrilled to come to New York, but I am so so glad I did. As with all travels, you often discover the most about yourself through the unexpected and the unplanned, and sometimes you end up being in the place you didn't know you most needed to be.

It was a couple days into my week in California, during the rehearsal dinner for wedding #2, and the bride-to-be's father and the groom-to-be were giving short speeches to all the family and friends that had gathered in the big room of a local restaurant. That intimate warmth of family and friends--of belonging, of happiness and joy, of home--permeated the atmosphere that made smiles and laughter contagious among all our faces. It hit me then, so profoundly and so assuredly, the feeling of belonging that had eluded me until then. It wasn't my family that I was surrounded by, but in a very real way, I was. These were people to whom I had a lifetime of connections with, people who rooted me to San Diego and made the place come alive. No matter where my travels took me, they gave me a reason to always come back home, they kept my feet grounded in a place that was real; they didn't let me float aimlessly forever. Finally, finally, and I was overcome with gratitude that I still had a place here. That I still belonged.

I also realized that I'm grateful to New York. As much as I felt out of sorts in San Diego, I felt nearly at home in New York. People are often surprised that I am not head over heels in love with New York, or that I am not, at the very least, amazed or impressed by the city. I am, frequently and often, impressed by New York. New York is a very impressive place. But for me, New York has served as a transition city and has been instrumental in my reacclimatization. It's a big enough city to make me feel small again, and gives me all the luxuries I had grown used to in living in Seoul, and yet, it is still in the US. I don't think there's another city in the US that could have helped my with my reverse-cultural shock in the way that New York has. I credit me returning to equilibrium as quickly as I have to being in this city. As I said, it was exactly where I needed to be.

That being said, I am so in love with California. This time around, I was really able to take in everything about my hometown and feel immensely attached to it. As many times as I've boarded planes at the San Diego International Airport to leave it all behind, I have to say that stepping through security this last time to come back to New York was one of the hardest trips I've had to do. I wasn't ready to go; I didn't want to leave. I had just reclaimed my love for CA and been claimed by it, and I honestly toyed with the idea of just not getting on the plane.

So where does that leave me? I feel like now, everything is geared towards finding my way back in California. It's the place I so desperately want to be.

What happens when you live abroad

"So you look at your life, and the two countries that hold it, and realize that you are now two distinct people. As much as your countries represent and fulfill different parts of you and what you enjoy about life, as much as you have formed unbreakable bonds with people you love in both places, as much as you feel truly at home in either one, so you are divided in two."