Homesickness

Recently I've been really conflicted about being here in New York -- not that I was ever really comfortable with the idea in the first place. Somedays I feel happy and lucky to be out here knowing that nothing like this could come to me back home. Other days I feel so out of place and out of sorts -- everything and everyone is just so unfamiliar -- that all I want to do is pack up and leave. Sometimes I indulge this fantasy of going back to Korea, my second home, where everything is more simple and secure and I can almost feel my happiness. On the worst of these days, when I'm missing people and not necessarily a place, it is hard to ignore that longing and I count the weeks before I'm home again.

It has been a long time since I've felt this deep a loneliness. I think I tend to do very well on my own, sometimes even preferring my solitude over socializing, and I am more often than not alone as I go about my days. It is so odd to suddenly find myself lonely. Not in Korea -- never in Korea -- did I feel this lonely, as surprising as that may be.

I know that I haven't even been here 3 weeks, and that I'm still settling in, but I'm hoping to find my niche soon because New York is big and isolating and I don't want to get overwhelmed and lost in it.

A Californian in New York...and Anywhere Else

"Where are you from?"

That question can evoke a myriad of responses, all of them true. When I was in California, I would say that I was from San Diego. When I was in Philadelphia, I'd say that I was from California. When I was overseas, I'd say I was from America. I would change my answers based on my present location.

Having been abroad and having been fortunate to meet a variety of wonderful people from all over the world, I am always a bit surprised by their reaction from where I say I'm from. If I say "America," it is usually not a good enough answer.

"Where in the US?" they inquire.

"California," I answer.

And here is where I usually get that first spark of interest, that little flash of recognition in their eyes. Here is where there's usually some comment about how amazing/awesome/cool/great California is. I don't disagree so I smile with acknowledged pride.

It can even happen among other Americans.

"Oh, where in California?" those that are a bit more savvy ask.

"I'm from San Diego," I reply.

And here is where there's usually a more lustful look that crosses their faces. I can see what they are imagining in their mind's eye. Sunshine for days, clear skies, a hint of a breeze. A little slice of heaven.

They proceed to tell me about a sister/brother/cousin/mother who lives out there are just. loves. it. And how they think I'm crazy for ever leaving. I don't disagree, so I smile and acknowledge their comment.

But it isn't just about a name. I've never in my life felt more Californian. I wouldn't have thought much of it, except that it is constantly pointed out to me. I'm too smiley, I'm too thankful, I'm too "bubbly." And I guess I say "like" an awful lot.

But I take all of these in stride and own them, because it has been to my luck, and good planning on the part of my parents, that I am able to call California home.  My first home. And San Diego, my truest love. It is a wonderful feeling that I am forever am to claim these places as my own and, for better and worse, they have informed and shaped my life and who I am.

Empire State of Mind

I had, and to a certain extent still have, a lot of reservations about moving to and living and working in New York. I have never considered myself a city girl, despite growing up in the US's 8th largest city and then transplanting myself to the megacity that is Seoul. I love the slowness, the openness, the nature, and the pronounced easy-going-ness that colored my youth and is typical of southern California. The terrible thing that I discovered, upon my return to CA after years in Seoul, was that everything felt too slow, too relaxed, too small. Living abroad had changed me and I couldn't --refused to-- believe it. I didn't even fully admit this to myself until I stepped onto the sidewalks of New York, taxi cabs flying by my feet and the surge of pedestrians quickening my pace, that I felt that familiar lull. I am by no means at all at home in New York, and the energy of the city is definitely one of a kind, but there is something so fittingly comforting in being in a big city again. Instead of being overwhelmed, as I was afraid I was going to be, surprisingly, I was comforted. It amazes me still.

I'm finally feeling more settled with my living situation, although I am still crashing at a friend's place. After what seemed like ages of combing through listings, narrowing down boroughs and neighborhoods I wanted to be in, and visiting different apartments, I think I found a place that really suits me. I was almost set on living in Brooklyn, almost put down money on a place that was totally fine and a great deal in a good neighborhood. But then I visited a different area on the strength of a suggestion from a friend, and when I got off the train and walked its tree-lined streets and saw the parks and the charming homes and quirky cafes, I knew I had to live there. It was love at first sight and it's true what they say, you just know :)

Lastly, work has been great. I only worked 2 days this week but already I'm learning so so much and my bosses are so good about being patient with me and thoroughly explaining processes. They are heavy on the education aspect of this internship and I'm so so happy I decided to come out to New York for this opportunity. I'm still nervous and want so desperately to do a good job and not mess up, and everyone has been so wonderful that I don't want to let them down. More than anything, I'm so excited for the work that I do. Any lingering doubts in my mind about this new career path are slowly being assuaged. It is a comforting feeling, even as I stumble my way through it all.

And yes, I know I've been super corny with my post titles, but I couldn't resist :)

What happens when you live abroad

"So you look at your life, and the two countries that hold it, and realize that you are now two distinct people. As much as your countries represent and fulfill different parts of you and what you enjoy about life, as much as you have formed unbreakable bonds with people you love in both places, as much as you feel truly at home in either one, so you are divided in two."