Recently I've been really conflicted about being here in New York -- not that I was ever really comfortable with the idea in the first place. Somedays I feel happy and lucky to be out here knowing that nothing like this could come to me back home. Other days I feel so out of place and out of sorts -- everything and everyone is just so unfamiliar -- that all I want to do is pack up and leave. Sometimes I indulge this fantasy of going back to Korea, my second home, where everything is more simple and secure and I can almost feel my happiness. On the worst of these days, when I'm missing people and not necessarily a place, it is hard to ignore that longing and I count the weeks before I'm home again.
It has been a long time since I've felt this deep a loneliness. I think I tend to do very well on my own, sometimes even preferring my solitude over socializing, and I am more often than not alone as I go about my days. It is so odd to suddenly find myself lonely. Not in Korea -- never in Korea -- did I feel this lonely, as surprising as that may be.
I know that I haven't even been here 3 weeks, and that I'm still settling in, but I'm hoping to find my niche soon because New York is big and isolating and I don't want to get overwhelmed and lost in it.
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