On New York, Publishing, and the Future

I've put off posting about this until I gathered my conflicting emotions and thoughts enough that I could sit down and write something that would make sense.

I've seriously been contemplating the future of my life here in new york and in publishing. I had planned to intern until october, giving me half a year at the agency, before I'd strike out on my own and get that coveted publishing house position. Over the course of the internship, it became apparent to me that that probably wouldn't happen. The first reason being the work that I do now is similar but not exactly the work that happens in a publishing house. As it stands, I have no idea if I'd even like the work I'd do at a publishing house. Being inexperienced as I am, I'd need and want to do another internship with a publishing house. Only that living in new york and doing another unpaid internship just isn't financially feasible or responsible for me at the moment.

Not the mention that before I left for New York, I had opportunities in California similar to my current internship. Complicating things further is this overwhelming need to be in California--nothing against New York. All things being considered, it makes sense for me to go back to San Diego to get more experience before venturing out and (hopefully) making my way back to New York or San Francisco.

When I first thought about going back to California I also saw it as giving up my interest in publishing and I was seized with the thought that no, I wasn't ready to put this dream aside just yet. It's like when you flip a coin to make a decision and in the moments that coin is in the air, you suddenly know exactly what it is that you want.

I haven't decided exactly when I'd leave, but the earliest would be the beginning of September and the latest the beginning of October. In the meantime, I just need to make sure I have things lined up for me when I get back to CA. I have a few ideas, but I'll have to do a bit more research.

It's been a crazy but informative journey thus far, and I hope things pan out in the best way possible.

Thoughts from CA: A Feeling of Home

I've written at length at how worried I had been about coming home from Korea to find that my hometown no longer felt like my hometown. It might have been born out of necessity, but in the weeks and months leading up to my final departure from the ROK, I was so looking forward to coming home and experiencing all that was good and comforting about my hometown. I was eager to celebrate everything that was different from Korea and Seoul. And I wanted that elusive but intimate feeling of belonging. I mean, I was about to turn in everything I had going for me in Korea and travel thousands of miles away... there had to be something to make it worth my while. I did try, I swear I did, to temper my enthusiasm so I wouldn't feel too disappointed when the romanticized idea of my triumphant return didn't pan out to be what I wanted it to be. But as with everything, hope survives.

And so it should come as no surprise to anyone that the reality of my homecoming was slightly different that my expectations. My biggest worry--that I would not actually feel that sense of belonging--came true and I felt strange and awkward in my hometown. I felt too big, too fast, too loud, and the city too small, too quiet, too slow. I was out of sorts.

I didn't want to move to New York. That wasn't the plan. I wanted to sink my heels in California and start to build my life there. So I wasn't thrilled to come to New York, but I am so so glad I did. As with all travels, you often discover the most about yourself through the unexpected and the unplanned, and sometimes you end up being in the place you didn't know you most needed to be.

It was a couple days into my week in California, during the rehearsal dinner for wedding #2, and the bride-to-be's father and the groom-to-be were giving short speeches to all the family and friends that had gathered in the big room of a local restaurant. That intimate warmth of family and friends--of belonging, of happiness and joy, of home--permeated the atmosphere that made smiles and laughter contagious among all our faces. It hit me then, so profoundly and so assuredly, the feeling of belonging that had eluded me until then. It wasn't my family that I was surrounded by, but in a very real way, I was. These were people to whom I had a lifetime of connections with, people who rooted me to San Diego and made the place come alive. No matter where my travels took me, they gave me a reason to always come back home, they kept my feet grounded in a place that was real; they didn't let me float aimlessly forever. Finally, finally, and I was overcome with gratitude that I still had a place here. That I still belonged.

I also realized that I'm grateful to New York. As much as I felt out of sorts in San Diego, I felt nearly at home in New York. People are often surprised that I am not head over heels in love with New York, or that I am not, at the very least, amazed or impressed by the city. I am, frequently and often, impressed by New York. New York is a very impressive place. But for me, New York has served as a transition city and has been instrumental in my reacclimatization. It's a big enough city to make me feel small again, and gives me all the luxuries I had grown used to in living in Seoul, and yet, it is still in the US. I don't think there's another city in the US that could have helped my with my reverse-cultural shock in the way that New York has. I credit me returning to equilibrium as quickly as I have to being in this city. As I said, it was exactly where I needed to be.

That being said, I am so in love with California. This time around, I was really able to take in everything about my hometown and feel immensely attached to it. As many times as I've boarded planes at the San Diego International Airport to leave it all behind, I have to say that stepping through security this last time to come back to New York was one of the hardest trips I've had to do. I wasn't ready to go; I didn't want to leave. I had just reclaimed my love for CA and been claimed by it, and I honestly toyed with the idea of just not getting on the plane.

So where does that leave me? I feel like now, everything is geared towards finding my way back in California. It's the place I so desperately want to be.

Before Midnight (and Sunrise, and Sunset)

Going off of my last post, I should say that I have also recently watched "Before Midnight," the third movie in a series of the BEST MOVIES EVER. "Before Sunrise" and "Before Sunset" being the first and second movies, and the second installment being my favorite. Nothing happens in these movies. It's just two people talking for 90 minutes. BUT I can't even begin to say how these movies, in particular "Before Sunset," have influenced my thoughts on magic in the universe, beauty in the world, and love and the complexity of relationships. I highly recommend them because they just embody everything about falling in love, risking for love, and staying in love.

"Before Midnight" is out in theatres now and even though the trailer makes it look so crappy, it is BRILLIANT. Rotten Tomatoes has it at a 98% rating and it's definitely worth watching in a theatre.
I'd be interested to see what other people, seeing the films for the first time, take away from them, so if you are so inspired to marathon the first two and go out to see the third, let me know :)

For your enjoyment, here are the trailers for the three films in one handy youtube video:

Thoughts from CA: Weddings & Saying "I Do"

It's amazing how when you are on vacation, you are frequently bombarded with a million ideas for blog posts, but the second you settle down back at home, vacation completed, you've suddenly lost all will, desire, inspiration to write a single thing. I chalk it up to the unbearable realization that you're back in the sinkhole of reality. And even if you do get down a handful of words, it all sucks.

But what I actually want to talk about in this post are the thoughts about marriage that crossed my mind over the week where I was a bridesmaid for two different weddings of dear friends. Don't worry, I haven't caught wedding fever (HAHA) but I couldn't help but think about husbands and marriage and life partners when I was literally surrounded by all of it.

The first wedding was held at Bernardo Winery in RB, and it was all that was intimate, charming, rustic, and joyful. What I loved about this wedding was that everything had meaning to the couple, and it truly felt like a celebration of the love between two people. For example, the couple met during college when they joined an a capella group and for the ceremony, the group reunited and sang the entrance song for my friend as she walked down the aisle. It was a beautiful and fitting rendition of "She's Got a Way." I also really loved the groom's wedding vows. I think the bridesmaids cried the most during his vows. They were so lovely.

The second wedding was held in La Jolla, at a venue overlooking the beach, and it was stunning and elegant, and really emotional. I was just destroyed during the whole ceremony AND reception-- this was the marriage of one of my oldest and dearest friends. I remembered how we'd talk about weddings back in middle school, then witnessed the couple's courtship of 7 years, and then to be present on their wedding day. It was surreal to see everything come together over the years. Every single person who talked during the ceremony or reception gave such brilliant words, combined with the fact that it was such a family affair, and the emotions were just running high that day. It wasn't all tears and sobbing though, as we definitely pulled ourselves together to have the most epic dance battle to have ever taken place. BOOM.

But this post isn't just to talk about how great these weddings were.

I've found that over the years I have, and I think rightly so, come down off that cloud where weddings are the be-all and end-all. I used to romanticized everything about marriage and weddings, way back when I didn't have a clue about what it would take to actually reach an altar, much less maintain a marriage. I mean, I used to want to be a wedding planner, for crying out loud, and that was way before Jennifer Lopez brought attention to it in the movie, fittingly titled, "The Wedding Planner" (still love Massimo though!).

I am not one to poo poo on the ideas of marriage or weddings. I can enjoy and be present and happy for couples; I am always about celebrating love between people and it is beyond me to comment on what others choose for themselves (as long as they have the choice). But what I have come to realize over the last few years, and what was really confirmed for me this past week, is not that I don't believe in marriage, but that I just don't think it is for me.

Let me back up a bit.

When I was younger and more optimistic, I thought that I would be married by 23 (OMG) and knew the what, where, when of my whole wedding. The Who of it all was the least of my worries. As I got older, and after I passed my 23rd birthday, I didn't give any thought to marriage or a wedding. I was busy. I was studying. I was working. I was dreaming. I was traveling. And then one day I came to realize that a LOT of my friends were getting engaged and marrying their long-time boyfriends, and I hadn't even thought about any of that in years. That I couldn't even invision what my wedding would look like now, at the ripe old age of--my late 20s. There was nothing. No color schemes, no themes, no venue ideas, no flowers, nothing. It was a far cry from 15 years ago.

During the two weddings, which were very different from each other, but equally lovely, sometimes I would think, "Would I do it this way?" "How would I want it for my ceremony?" And I was keeping mental notes of things I thought I might want. But then it wasn't even about the music selection, or the flowers, or the venue. It wasn't that I couldn't envision my wedding. It was that I couldn't envision me wanting a wedding.

How can that be? you ask.

This goes against almost everything that I have been brought up and conditioned to want in life. Let me say again that I am not nay-saying marriage. I am not discouraging others from wanting to have a big wedding and to be married. I have been privileged to witness several marriages that are beautiful and work and I am nothing but happy for them. I will be equally happy for anyone who ties the knot.

But I think relationships are hard. And love is complicated. And that people are more complex than they realize. And marriage, I would imagine, is difficult. And to stay in love with someone, as you continue to grow and as they continue to grow, and as you both go through this unpredictable thing called life, I think, is difficult enough without adding another layer of "till death do us part."

Some will argue that being married makes you fight for your relationship. That you have vows you are committed to, that you have responsibilities to this person whom you call your husband or wife. That you are part of something grander and bigger now than just yourself. And that it is all worth fighting for.

I get that. Believe me, I do.

But do you have to be married to fight for your relationship? Does marriage really make you fight harder? Can't you have promises and be part of something bigger than yourself without labels?

Fundamentally, this is all I would ask. To wake up next to someone everyday and be able to say, simply and truthfully, "I still choose you." And there is nothing binding us together except for this little choice we make, consciously, everyday. And you're here because you want to be, and I'm here because I want to be, and we don't feel the pressure of anything outside just the two of us to continue to be here.

Something like that.

I mean, this is a complicated topic to talk about for so many reasons, but I just wanted to put this out there as being where I am on it at this moment in my life. Things can change, I realize. And I also know that people will tell me that this is all because I haven't met "the one" yet. And I also know that I'll probably eat my words somewhere down the future because I've written this post. Feel free to remind me of it at that time.

Scenes from San Diego: 06/21-07/01