I came to New York for an internship. I wanted to try something new and wanted to see what else I could do. After a month at the job, I’m still feeling noobish, and I can’t help but think that I may not be cut out for the field after all. As inexperienced as I am, I also think that I may be missing something–a kind of instinct, perhaps?–where I not only lack confidence in my choices due to the fact that my gauge is all messed up. Even though I’ve been back in the US for 2 months, I feel like I’m still so far away. I am disassociated with my home culture and can’t comment on a lot of things because I honestly can’t. I feel like I should do and read and catch myself up with what is going on–to get my fingers back on the pulse of society–but I have been so exhausted with just trying to get through everything I need to do each day. I know that sounds like an excuse, and it feels like one, but I struggle with so much daily, from my apartment situation (I just moved, again!) to my financial situation, that by the time I get home, there’s nothing I want more than to let my mind rest and waste on tumblr or instagram.
So while I’m feeling still out of sorts with my internship, I just got hired at another job unrelated to publishing. It’s actually an ESL related job, but not a teaching position. I am a “product developer” but really just a test writer. It’s been months since I’ve stepped back into my teacher/esl shoes, but like all well-worn pairs, they were the perfect fit. While I’ve never thought I was a particularly skilled or wonderful teacher of ESL, through the training process, I was able to see just how much I’ve actually learned over the years to the point where it felt like I was the most experienced of the group. We all have our strengths, and the other new-hires have better writing skills than I do, better editing skills than I do, but in terms of classroom experience and practical application of materials, it felt like I had a lot to offer. The ESL job was something that I stumbled upon and fit all my prerequisites, so while I wasn’t exactly looking to get back into ESL, I thought that applying for the position couldn’t hurt. And I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the result. Honestly, it isn’t too different from the non-teaching aspect of what I was doing in my last year in Korea, and it feels great to feel like I have some command over what I’m doing.
I thought about it and interestingly enough, I don’t know a ton of NSETs who have used their experience to propel them into a career of ESL once they get back home. A lot of NSETs who enjoyed teaching ESL in Korea come back and are all eager to get teaching certificates, only to find that they don’t actually like teaching English–they liked teaching English in Korea. It’s a small, but important distinction. I know people who figure out that their heart just isn’t into it in the way that it was back in Korea. And sometimes, their experience just doesn’t translate that well into a position in their home countries. Either way, I actually don’t know of anyone who has gone back home and has continued with ESL. And again, I feel terribly grateful about my time in Korea and what I was able to do there. I large part of my recognizes that I probably wouldn’t have gotten this job if it hadn’t been for me teaching at a university and having experience with writing exams and administering assessment tests. If I had taught in middle school, or stayed at the high school level, I wouldn’t have been expected to create exam materials (except for maybe speaking tests). And then, I couldn’t have taught at the university level if it wasn’t for my MA degree. In a surprising twist of fate, it seems like the path that’s best open/suited for me is one related to ESL. I complain a lot that I have a hodgepodge of experience that doesn’t lead me anywhere… except that I’ve recently learned that in the world of ESL at least, without me even knowing or planning, I’ve been climbing this ladder. I, indeed, have a path available to me.
This complicates my life only in the sense that, well, I want to be good at the work that I do. I want to be confident and capable in my job. And, let’s be honest, I would also like to get paid for the work that I do, especially in this city. For the ESL job, I’m only working part-time (and part-time at the internship), but there’s an opportunity to go full-time once my project is completed, probably in late August/September. About the same time as when I planned to end my internship. I think I’ll give myself until then to see what my options are. If I continue to suck at my internship and can’t see a viable future for me in that field, or if I come to find that I really like working at this particular ESL company, I’ll go in that direction. If I figure more things out in publishing and don’t suck and really enjoy it, then I’ll continue to pursue it. Either way, I’m giving myself until the end of summer because I don’t want to make a decision too soon (not that I can at the moment though). But really, I’m surprised that I’m back in ESL again–no one is more surprised than me, let me tell you. Oh, and my office is in the Empire State Building. It’s one pretty awesome perk.
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