Adventures in Speed Dating (Part 3): What I learned

Now that the actual speed date event and my encounter with a handsome stranger have been described in detail, in part three of this series I wanted to talk about my takeaway from the whole experience, and then update you on what has happened since this highly unusual night.

I mentioned in part one that I was fully in my right mind when I signed up for this event. I also signed up for the even solo. I’ve also described how socially awkward, shy, and generally anti-social I am in my everyday, normal life. Considering this, some of you may have questioned why in the world I would put myself through something that, for someone like me, would be the equivalent of two hours of extreme and unusual torture.

I hate to admit this but it had to do with that Boy I talked about earlier, the one who I’m still emotionally wrapped up in, but whom I am trying to cut out. In my last post, I talked about how I cut off our main source of communication, and how worried and panicked I was over the sudden loss and how it would change the dynamic of our relationship. If he would then wash his hands of me and how it was something I wanted and something I feared. The update on that situation is that he reached out to me within 24 hours of my cut off. While this made me happy, I was also upset because my good-intentioned plan was thwarted and I found myself in the same situation I was before. To top it off, the things he said to me in that conversation aggravated me and let me know, once again, just how much I have to step away.

Hence, my extreme decision to go on a speed date event.

It wasn’t my intention to use the guys at the event as a distraction or even as a substitute. I wasn’t expecting to find someone to date and fall into a relationship. I wasn’t going to date any of them as retaliation for what that Boy has said and done. That wasn’t at all what my going to a speed dating event was about.

It was about trying to get into a headspace where I wasn’t focusing attention on that Boy. It was about seeing what else was out there. Who else was out there. It was about meeting people who were interested in the things I was interested in, and who wanted the same things out of the people we were meeting as I did. It was about refocusing on the present and hanging up what was in the past. And lastly, it was about meeting members of the opposite sex without all of the emotional hangups, history, and anguish. Did I have that instantaneous pull towards any of the mini-dates that I did with the Boy? No. Is that a bad thing? I don’t think so.

In short, I just wanted to meet a nice boy who didn’t want to play games and was genuinely interested in getting to know a girl and not just in it for the chase.

Which is why I had to leave Handsome stranger.

I’m not going to lie, in the days after the encounter with Handsome stranger, I was loathe with regret. But I know I would probably feel horrible the next day if anything more happened with Handsome stranger because I wouldn’t be able to say for certain that the whole thing wouldn’t have been a direct reaction against the Boy. Sadly. Curse him.

And just an aside, how much do I absolutely love that my friends, in response to my story about Handsome stranger, asked the same question, “Did you at least get his number?” This isn’t meant to be patronizing but, that is. so. cute. I mean, the very instance of them asking that particular question is why we are friends. And yet, they’re all asking the wrong question. It isn’t “Did you get his number?” but rather, “Did he get your number?” It is not the same thing and is more revealing than anything else. Handsome stranger could have easily gotten my number. But he didn’t ask. Aka there wasn’t a reason for him to ask when it was clear that his interest in me was of limited standing and invitation. I am 99% sure he went home with someone else from that bar and didn’t think about me for a moment after I left.

I did learn a lot in that night, however, both about me and just how things are played.

1. I was super surprised by just how quickly and easily everything developed between Handsome stranger and me. I was just shocked. This might have to do with the fact that I normally don’t find myself in these kinds of situations because I tend to avoid social situations, and the fact that I’ve been largely overlooked as a woman for the past 2 years. This is probably the reason why things also went as far as they did with Handsome stranger. What? This Handsome stranger is interested in me? Well, alright then! (more on this revelation later)
   
   
   The end of that night had me meeting up with my bbff, Orange, and relating the whole thing to  him and his room mate. Both guys, they were just so interested in how I “got picked up” by Handsome stranger and how genius it was. They said that I was pretty much “primed” for that kind of interaction given the whole speed dating thing, and that it didn’t surprise them in the least that Handsome stranger and I ended up swapping spit. Whaaaat?
   
   2. This is going to sound pathetic, but thoughts of the Boy crossed my mind while I was with Handsome stranger. On the one hand, all of the romantic emotions that I am allowing myself to feel are wrapped up in the Boy. On the other hand, here was this handsome stranger with his handsome face, and I felt and truly understood, for the first time, what it must be like for the Boy.

Something that I just couldn’t really understand is how could the Boy (and guys in general) constantly choose the girls they didn’t really like over the girl they actually do like. Orange has tried to explain this to me many times but I didn’t truly get it until my encounter with Handsome stranger. Because to me, if you like someone, shouldn’t you just always choose them? Even if you didn’t want a relationship, shouldn’t the fact that you actually genuinely like this person make you want to be with them? As I get older it becomes increasingly apparent to me that there are fewer and fewer people with whom you can actually connect, and I just don’t understand how someone would be so willing to squander those connections in lieu of going after girls you don’t actually care about.

But in my interaction with Handsome stranger, I began to see, perhaps just a bit, of how it must be like for the Boy. Because for me, Handsome stranger was new and fun and this shiny, handsome thing, but for everything that he was, he didn’t make me feel any different towards the Boy. He didn’t replace the boy in my estimation, and, in fact, in my mind they were two completely different things. And in my mind, even though I had very real feelings towards the Boy, by the very fact that we didn’t have any sort of understanding—he’s not mine and I’m not his in any official capacity—I could easily have fallen into the arms of Handsome stranger without any feeling of regret or remorse. It was like a light bulb went off in my mind, “Ah, so that’s how it is.”

3. People often say that the best way to get over someone is to find someone new and I’d by lying if I didn’t say that in the days following, I didn’t think about Handsome stranger and what could have been if I had played things differently. But like I said, my affections still lie, for better but probably worse, with the Boy. And yet, if this single encounter was enough to make me at least think about other possibilities, how much worse would it be for the Boy, who has several girls he juggles on the regular? Despite all the distraction and girls and how easy it is to get caught up, what does it say about him that he still seeks out my attention? That’s an interesting train of thought.

So there it is. The events and analysis of a single night and all the things I gained from it. Oh, except, you may be wondering what ever happened with the two guys I picked from the speed dating event. Did they like me back? Did they pick me? Was it totally one-sided and I completely misread the situation? Will no one ever like me again?

Well, I’m happy to report that the two guys I chose also chose me. Phew. Waiting for the results was a bit nerve wracking! One of the two has messaged me and I’ll probably end up meeting him sometime later this week. We’ll see.

Overall, I think going to the speed date event was, for me, a success. Not so much that the guys I picked also chose me, but in the sense that it was a good experience for me, I had fun, and there was nothing terribly off-putting about the event or the people or anything really. I would say that if anyone is on the fence about going to one of these kinds of events, to just do it. You don’t lose anything by going and it’s just another way to meet people. Would I do it again? Sure, I don’t see why not. I don’t think I’ll go to one in the immediate future, because of the nature of things, but I have no regrets about going at all.

Adventures in Speed Dating (Part 2): The Handsome Stranger

And welcome back! In the last post I left off just as the speed dating event was wrapping up, and I was lingering in the lounge when in walked a handsome stranger. If the first post of this series was all about the actual speed dating event, then this post is dedicated to the handsome stranger. Because I know you're all so intrigued, get yourself comfy and lower your expectations, because it's not what you think ;)

So like I said, I was with my friend discussing how the evening went when a handsome stranger showed his handsome face in the room. There weren't that many people left in the lounge area, and so before I can even tear my eyes away from his handsome face, he has come up to where we are sitting. His handsome face sits down right across from me and, to be honest, out of all the guys who have occupied that seat that night, he was easily the guy I was most attracted to.

Let's take an aside and describe handsome stranger because I know all of you are wondering. If you can imagine this tall all-american guy from the midwest, that would be him. He was wearing a suit and his tie was loosened, and his brunette hair was well-coifed. Strong jawline. Dark eyes. And the way he filled out his suit, you just knew he could take care of you, naww mean? Must be all those years harvesting crops. My friend and I thought he worked in  business or finance or something. Nope, he's a writer, of all things. And that is handsome stranger.

Handsome stranger starts talking to my friend and I about what just happened in the room, how were our mini-dates, and all that small talk. After a bit, my friend gets up to track down the event coordinator, leaving me alone with the handsome stranger. Now normally this would make me freak out and I would be so tense and uncomfortable and awkward just waiting until my friend came back. However, it was super easy to talk to handsome stranger because 1) it was basically what I had been doing the whole night anyway, 2) I was feeling way more open and less inhibited because I had all those mini-dates to warm up, and 3) his handsome face.

We end up going to the other room where the bar is, and I immediately notice that some of the patrons are people left over from the speed dating event. One guy in particular is one of the two that I circled on my paper. Handsome stranger buys me a drink, and then it's just a hop, skip, and jump away before handsome stranger and I are kissing at the bar.

Although I kind of had a feeling things were going that way, it still surprised me that it did. I'm not typically the kind of girl who just kisses guys she doesn't know, but again, I was way less inhibited than normal and also, his handsome face. If his handsome face wants to kiss mine, who am I to get in the way? In the back of my mind though, I was totally conscious of the fact that I was surrounded by other guys I had just gone on mini-dates with. Guys who may have circled me on their list. Guys that I had circled on my list. And just how bad me making out with handsome stranger must have seemed to them.

Without going too much into detail, in the end, I extract myself from the scene (not without some regret), and I find my friend and exit the premises. There was some disappointment with handsome stranger, and I felt bad about maybe letting things get to that point, but he took it very well. And by the way the other girls at the bar were swarming around him, I feel like he didn't miss me too much by the end of the night. Alas, goodbye Handsome stranger. sigh. I told you it wasn't what you thought!

Besides my friend and I, there is a third member of our little party, actually a guy from the speed date event. Let's call him Kites. Apparently Kites and my friend are friends, and he was the one who invited her to try out the event. So anyway, the three of us make a charming little trio as we walk to a nearby restaurant. I'm talking to my friend, thanking her for helping me get out of the tempting and tricky situation with Handsome stranger at the bar. I tell her about how worried I am about how one of the guys I circled might have saw me kissing Handsome stranger, not even thinking about Kites, who is standing right there.

Kites flips out. Apparently, he had circled me on his list, only to find out that I ended the night kissing some random guy at the bar. A random guy that didn't have to pay to talk to me, that didn't have to wait to see if I liked him or now, that didn't have to do anything but show his handsome face. Kites couldn't believe the unfairness of it all.

Oops.

That's it for part two of this series. In the finale, I'll talk about all the things I learned from this night as well as fill you in on the results of the speed date event--happy ending or tragedy?

Adventures in Speed Dating (Part I) : The Speed Date

Alright.

I know what you're thinking and as surprising as it may be, yes, I did go on a speed date event this past weekend. I wasn't bullied into it, it wasn't sponsored, and I was in my right mind when signing up for it. And I know that I don't really talk about dating or boys a lot on my blog(s), but I just really want to share this experience that was both everything that I expected and nothing at all what I expected. So check yourself and your preconceived judgments at the door, and let's get into this.

I know a lot of people do online dating and use okcupid and other online services, but for me, I just can't be bothered with filtering through messages or dealing with how people portray themselves on their profiles. Plus, I think that when you meet someone you know within seconds if you're attracted to them or not, whether there's any kind of spark worth pursuing. I think I can discern people pretty well and so for me, I just can't get that information from someone's profile as readily as I can in real life. So while there are a lot of different or alternative methods to dating nowadays, for the kind of person that I am, speed dating just seemed like a better fit.

That being said, I was a nervous and jittery bundle of nerves by the time I got to the event location. Set up in this lounge that had separate rooms for the bar and seating/lounge area, I entered the venue and steeled myself for the night ahead. Keep in mind that I was completely by myself and totally jealous of the packs of girls who were getting their name tags and who were bubbly and at ease because of all the support they had. Already feeling defeated, I attached my name tag to my jacket and immediately approached the bar, needing something to dull the effect of nervous anxiety. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that some of the guys had also already arrived and were watching the girls from their end of the bar, already sizing us all up like we were puppies in a pet store. I want that one! Paying them no mind (as typical) and drink in hand, I went to claim my seat in the lounge.

Now, the way this particular event was run was that the girls spread out over the different seats along the perimeter of the room, and the guys circulated clockwise. We each had 5 minutes with our dates, and there were about 11 girls and 13 or so guys. We each received a sheet of paper and were instructed to write down the names of our dates as they came, and then circle the names of the people we were interested in. At the end of the night, we turned our papers in and then if a guy and a girl had both circled each other (mutual selection) then we would receive each other's contact information within 24 hours. If, on the other hand, I chose and guy but he didn't choose me, no information would be shared.

The room filled up as girls took their seats (the guys had to stay in the other room), and finally it was time for the event to start. Thank goodness for my drink because I could feel myself retreating into my shell, feeling so shy as the guys were lead into the room in a single-file line. The event coordinator placed the guys and the event got started.

I have to say that the whole thing was a lot easier than I thought it would be. Having only 5 minutes (at first seemed like a long time but really it went by in a blink of an eye), you really have to think about what you want to communicate, how you want to come across, and for 2.5 minutes you're probably just talking about yourself, and let's be honest, who doesn't love that? I didn't really have a plan or anything going in, because I feel like being genuine and nice goes a long way. As much as I am totally anti-social, I can, on very special occasions, be totally engaged and open. It doesn't happen often, and it is so draining on me, but it's something that I can, thankfully, do. That is not to say that I can flirt. No, that is a talent and skill that is beyond me and I think probably rightfully so lol.

And most of the guys were pretty normal, good guys. There were, however, some stand out characters:

• The guy with too much cologne, who sat too close, who would tap my knee anytime he could, and who kept such strong eye contact. I don't know that I even saw him blink. My favorite line from his was, "so how do you have such a great body?" 
• The guy who was more into his drink than anything I had to say. I'd ask him a question and he'd answer in one or two words, then focus would shift back to his drink. He didn't ask me a single thing. Was perfectly content to let us sit in silence. 
• The very sweet but super intense guy who was so nervous but so direct. Our conversation went something like this: 
• Him: "I like you.
• Me: "Oh, well, thank you."
• Him:  "Can I circle your name?" 
• Me: "Uh, sure if you want to. "
• Him: "Can you circle my name?"
• Me: "Oh, okay. I will."
• Him: "Can you do it now?"
• Me: "Right now?"
• Him: "Yes."
• Me, taking my pen out: "Well, okay." I circle his name.
• Him: "Great, once you get to know me you'll see I'm a great guy."
• Me: "I'm sure you are."
• Him: "Once you get to know me you'll see I'm a great guy."
• Me: "Okay."
• I completely cross out his name after the 5 minutes is over.

Overall though, I had some great conversation and met some good guys, and at the end of the night that's the best I could have asked for. When the whole thing was over, everyone started to clear out, but the girl who sat next to me, my new friend!, and I were hanging back and sort of talking about how the night went. I ended up circling 2 guys on my list, the ones who I felt most comfortable and had the best conversation with. 

While mostly everyone filed out and the lounge was re-opened to the bar's patrons, in walks this terribly handsome stranger.

And with that, I will continue the story in the next installment! The whole thing will probably take about 3 posts, but I wanted to break it down into smaller, content specific posts. This post was all about the speed dating session. Up next... who is this handsome stranger and what does he have to do with me? Stay tuned! :D

Cut out

I wouldn't consider myself a person who cuts people out of my life. I've been lucky enough in my life where I haven't needed to do it often, although I have in the past, and all in the name of the common good. I would also say I've not really had to fight to keep the people in my life, in my life. I've had the extreme fortune of being surrounded by wonderful, caring people who appreciate me in the same way I respect and genuinely appreciate them. It's not that I don't fight for my loved ones, I do. But in actively keeping up with them, it's not a task, it's not a burden, it's not an inconvenience. And I definitely don't see me keeping in touch with them as being necessary for our friendship to survive. I don't live in fear that if I let a week go by without speaking, I've somehow lost my friends. I like my friends. I want to know what is going on in their lives. And, most importantly, I believe in the strength of our friendship and I have faith that we'll carry on despite the distance or time or relationships that is the stuff of life.

That being said... I don't understand why I can't just let go when I so obviously need to. 

You would think that with my plethora of wonderful, functional, healthy relationships, these would be the kinds of relationships I would also seek out. That I would rely on the examples of my friendships to strengthen myself against potentially dangerous and toxic relationships.

You would think.

Logically, I totally get it. I know this person is completely bad and all wrong for me. That I should only seek relationships where I'm respected as a person and as an equal. That I shouldn't waste my time on someone who can't or won't give me the same consideration that I give them. I mean, logically, I know all of this. And given all of this and everything that I stand by, it really really confuses, irritates, and amazes me that I still hang. on.

In case you couldn't tell, this particular relationship which I am so disgustingly tormented over is with a boy that is all kinds of wrong for me. I won't go into details because things are confounded and complicated to the point that you'd need maps and timelines and probably a few drinks to get things straight. Long story short: we have this connection, but refuse to give into one another, so we just end up hurting each other (but in reality I think it's only me that gets hurt). Because I know you're asking, I keep in contact with in part because I feel like if I don't, then that's that. Me reaching out is showing that I care, even when I get wounded by the things that he says.

I know, you don't need to say it. 

Since I've been back in the US I feel like I've come a long way (if only because I had to--being continents apart tends to force your hand), except that I still can't cut him out. A large, insane, part of me doesn't want to, because he's still the person who completely understands where I am at this point of my life. He gets it because he's there too, and at this time of sheer and utter confusion, nothing means more than to just have someone get you without explanation. This insane part of me also just, ugh, still believes in him. and by extension, us. the future us. the potential us. And I don't want to give up on him and what could still maybe be because there have been moments. I have tasted just how good we could be together if it wasn't for all our baggage and all the shit that surrounds us. 

And yet. 

I also know that I am depending on him, or the memory of him way too much. That because things are so new and scary and overwhelming, it's only natural to gravitate to the things and people that you know and are comforting. And I also get that I'm creating this unmerited and poorly founded construction of him and us and whatever else based on very little actual substance. The fact that he's still in Seoul (did I mention that?) leaves me completely unchecked in the way that I can remember him in the way I want to remember and not the way he actually is. Which is a jerk. I am 1000% sure he's waaay better in my head than in real life. No doubt.

So yes, I know that ultimately I can't hang on to this vision that I've created based on delusional hopes and misrepresented memories. I can't confuse reality with construction because it's ultimately unfair to the both of us. Me because I can't move on. Him because it just places expectations that he can't reach nor should he really even have to answer to.

Ugh, stop rambling.

Anyway, due to the toxic and debilitating nature of our relationship, I decided to cut off our main source of communication. Just like that. No notice or nothing. And even though I didn't set this up to be a test, if he did go out of his way to open a channel of communication with me, I mean, that has to mean something, right?

RIGHT?

All of this to say that I didn't fully comprehend what the cut out would do. I mean, yes, logically I understand. But why bring logic into something when I'm already THIS CRAZY. In the aftermath, there's nothing but panic and worry. Because I dont know, I don't know where the line is of pushing too much that he walks away. And even if I logically know that it would be the best for both of us, especially right now because I honestly need to figure out if I care about him for him or if it's all just the result of a million powerful and draining emotions wrapped up in a very specific sequence of events, I'm panicked that maybe he will just wash his hands of me. AND THEN WHERE WOULD I BE?

Ultimately, my worry stems from the fact that I have so little faith in him and us and the potential future and all of that, despite nearly craving it. A lot of it has to do with me being time and time again disappointed by him because I expected certain behavior from him that I had no right to expect. I told you things were terribly complicated.

So yes, I'm worried and panicked and afraid, and something in me is trying to crawl out of my chest and slap me in the face and demanding that I fix it. You know, just like any other addict going through withdrawal. As much as I get the sweats and the shakes, I'm placing my bets on beating this addiction and getting to the place where the craving is less. tolerable.

I mean it sucks to cut someone out of your life. There's no way to sugarcoat it. It hurts and it feels terrible. And you wonder if it had to come down to such a drastic measure, something so final. But at the end of the day, you have to make a choice. With this particular person, I chose me. and my sanity. to stand up for myself and the fact that I know that I deserve to feel better. That is my new hope. As we say in Korea, Fighting!

[and rereading this post, I am legit, bat shit crazy. wow.]

A saturday afternoon

After the storms from Andrea, Saturday was gorgeous. Headed WAAAY up north to visit the cloisters & gardens and everything there was beautiful. Also tried to get some much heard about cronuts (cross between donuts and croissants) from Dominuqe Ansel bakery, but they were sold out! Although I came for the cronuts, I stayed because of the chicken sausage dijon cabbage amazingness aka the best sandwich I've had in the last month.

a tale of two jobs

I came to New York for an internship. I wanted to try something new and wanted to see what else I could do. After a month at the job, I’m still feeling noobish, and I can’t help but think that I may not be cut out for the field after all. As inexperienced as I am, I also think that I may be missing something–a kind of instinct, perhaps?–where I not only lack confidence in my choices due to the fact that my gauge is all messed up. Even though I’ve been back in the US for 2 months, I feel like I’m still so far away. I am disassociated with my home culture and can’t comment on a lot of things because I honestly can’t. I feel like I should do and read and catch myself up with what is going on–to get my fingers back on the pulse of society–but I have been so exhausted with just trying to get through everything I need to do each day. I know that sounds like an excuse, and it feels like one, but I struggle with so much daily, from my apartment situation (I just moved, again!) to my financial situation, that by the time I get home, there’s nothing I want more than to let my mind rest and waste on tumblr or instagram.

 So while I’m feeling still out of sorts with my internship, I just got hired at another job unrelated to publishing. It’s actually an ESL related job, but not a teaching position. I am a “product developer” but really just a test writer. It’s been months since I’ve stepped back into my teacher/esl shoes, but like all well-worn pairs, they were the perfect fit. While I’ve never thought I was a particularly skilled or wonderful teacher of ESL, through the training process, I was able to see just how much I’ve actually learned over the years to the point where it felt like I was the most experienced of the group. We all have our strengths, and the other new-hires have better writing skills than I do, better editing skills than I do, but in terms of classroom experience and practical application of materials, it felt like I had a lot to offer. The ESL job was something that I stumbled upon and fit all my prerequisites, so while I wasn’t exactly looking to get back into ESL, I thought that applying for the position couldn’t hurt. And I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the result. Honestly, it isn’t too different from the non-teaching aspect of what I was doing in my last year in Korea, and it feels great to feel like I have some command over what I’m doing.

I thought about it and interestingly enough, I don’t know a ton of NSETs who have used their experience to propel them into a career of ESL once they get back home. A lot of NSETs who enjoyed teaching ESL in Korea come back and are all eager to get teaching certificates, only to find that they don’t actually like teaching English–they liked teaching English in Korea. It’s a small, but important distinction. I know people who figure out that their heart just isn’t into it in the way that it was back in Korea. And sometimes, their experience just doesn’t translate that well into a position in their home countries. Either way, I actually don’t know of anyone who has gone back home and has continued with ESL. And again, I feel terribly grateful about my time in Korea and what I was able to do there. I large part of my recognizes that I probably wouldn’t have gotten this job if it hadn’t been for me teaching at a university and having experience with writing exams and administering assessment tests. If I had taught in middle school, or stayed at the high school level, I wouldn’t have been expected to create exam materials (except for maybe speaking tests). And then, I couldn’t have taught at the university level if it wasn’t for my MA degree. In a surprising twist of fate, it seems like the path that’s best open/suited for me is one related to ESL. I complain a lot that I have a hodgepodge of experience that doesn’t lead me anywhere… except that I’ve recently learned that in the world of ESL at least, without me even knowing or planning, I’ve been climbing this ladder. I, indeed, have a path available to me.

This complicates my life only in the sense that, well, I want to be good at the work that I do. I want to be confident and capable in my job. And, let’s be honest, I would also like to get paid for the work that I do, especially in this city. For the ESL job, I’m only working part-time (and part-time at the internship), but there’s an opportunity to go full-time once my project is completed, probably in late August/September. About the same time as when I planned to end my internship. I think I’ll give myself until then to see what my options are. If I continue to suck at my internship and can’t see a viable future for me in that field, or if I come to find that I really like working at this particular ESL company, I’ll go in that direction. If I figure more things out in publishing and don’t suck and really enjoy it, then I’ll continue to pursue it. Either way, I’m giving myself until the end of summer because I don’t want to make a decision too soon (not that I can at the moment though). But really, I’m surprised that I’m back in ESL again–no one is more surprised than me, let me tell you. Oh, and my office is in the Empire State Building. It’s one pretty awesome perk.