Cut out

I wouldn't consider myself a person who cuts people out of my life. I've been lucky enough in my life where I haven't needed to do it often, although I have in the past, and all in the name of the common good. I would also say I've not really had to fight to keep the people in my life, in my life. I've had the extreme fortune of being surrounded by wonderful, caring people who appreciate me in the same way I respect and genuinely appreciate them. It's not that I don't fight for my loved ones, I do. But in actively keeping up with them, it's not a task, it's not a burden, it's not an inconvenience. And I definitely don't see me keeping in touch with them as being necessary for our friendship to survive. I don't live in fear that if I let a week go by without speaking, I've somehow lost my friends. I like my friends. I want to know what is going on in their lives. And, most importantly, I believe in the strength of our friendship and I have faith that we'll carry on despite the distance or time or relationships that is the stuff of life.

That being said... I don't understand why I can't just let go when I so obviously need to. 

You would think that with my plethora of wonderful, functional, healthy relationships, these would be the kinds of relationships I would also seek out. That I would rely on the examples of my friendships to strengthen myself against potentially dangerous and toxic relationships.

You would think.

Logically, I totally get it. I know this person is completely bad and all wrong for me. That I should only seek relationships where I'm respected as a person and as an equal. That I shouldn't waste my time on someone who can't or won't give me the same consideration that I give them. I mean, logically, I know all of this. And given all of this and everything that I stand by, it really really confuses, irritates, and amazes me that I still hang. on.

In case you couldn't tell, this particular relationship which I am so disgustingly tormented over is with a boy that is all kinds of wrong for me. I won't go into details because things are confounded and complicated to the point that you'd need maps and timelines and probably a few drinks to get things straight. Long story short: we have this connection, but refuse to give into one another, so we just end up hurting each other (but in reality I think it's only me that gets hurt). Because I know you're asking, I keep in contact with in part because I feel like if I don't, then that's that. Me reaching out is showing that I care, even when I get wounded by the things that he says.

I know, you don't need to say it. 

Since I've been back in the US I feel like I've come a long way (if only because I had to--being continents apart tends to force your hand), except that I still can't cut him out. A large, insane, part of me doesn't want to, because he's still the person who completely understands where I am at this point of my life. He gets it because he's there too, and at this time of sheer and utter confusion, nothing means more than to just have someone get you without explanation. This insane part of me also just, ugh, still believes in him. and by extension, us. the future us. the potential us. And I don't want to give up on him and what could still maybe be because there have been moments. I have tasted just how good we could be together if it wasn't for all our baggage and all the shit that surrounds us. 

And yet. 

I also know that I am depending on him, or the memory of him way too much. That because things are so new and scary and overwhelming, it's only natural to gravitate to the things and people that you know and are comforting. And I also get that I'm creating this unmerited and poorly founded construction of him and us and whatever else based on very little actual substance. The fact that he's still in Seoul (did I mention that?) leaves me completely unchecked in the way that I can remember him in the way I want to remember and not the way he actually is. Which is a jerk. I am 1000% sure he's waaay better in my head than in real life. No doubt.

So yes, I know that ultimately I can't hang on to this vision that I've created based on delusional hopes and misrepresented memories. I can't confuse reality with construction because it's ultimately unfair to the both of us. Me because I can't move on. Him because it just places expectations that he can't reach nor should he really even have to answer to.

Ugh, stop rambling.

Anyway, due to the toxic and debilitating nature of our relationship, I decided to cut off our main source of communication. Just like that. No notice or nothing. And even though I didn't set this up to be a test, if he did go out of his way to open a channel of communication with me, I mean, that has to mean something, right?

RIGHT?

All of this to say that I didn't fully comprehend what the cut out would do. I mean, yes, logically I understand. But why bring logic into something when I'm already THIS CRAZY. In the aftermath, there's nothing but panic and worry. Because I dont know, I don't know where the line is of pushing too much that he walks away. And even if I logically know that it would be the best for both of us, especially right now because I honestly need to figure out if I care about him for him or if it's all just the result of a million powerful and draining emotions wrapped up in a very specific sequence of events, I'm panicked that maybe he will just wash his hands of me. AND THEN WHERE WOULD I BE?

Ultimately, my worry stems from the fact that I have so little faith in him and us and the potential future and all of that, despite nearly craving it. A lot of it has to do with me being time and time again disappointed by him because I expected certain behavior from him that I had no right to expect. I told you things were terribly complicated.

So yes, I'm worried and panicked and afraid, and something in me is trying to crawl out of my chest and slap me in the face and demanding that I fix it. You know, just like any other addict going through withdrawal. As much as I get the sweats and the shakes, I'm placing my bets on beating this addiction and getting to the place where the craving is less. tolerable.

I mean it sucks to cut someone out of your life. There's no way to sugarcoat it. It hurts and it feels terrible. And you wonder if it had to come down to such a drastic measure, something so final. But at the end of the day, you have to make a choice. With this particular person, I chose me. and my sanity. to stand up for myself and the fact that I know that I deserve to feel better. That is my new hope. As we say in Korea, Fighting!

[and rereading this post, I am legit, bat shit crazy. wow.]