Adventures in Speed Dating (Part 3): What I learned

Now that the actual speed date event and my encounter with a handsome stranger have been described in detail, in part three of this series I wanted to talk about my takeaway from the whole experience, and then update you on what has happened since this highly unusual night.

I mentioned in part one that I was fully in my right mind when I signed up for this event. I also signed up for the even solo. I’ve also described how socially awkward, shy, and generally anti-social I am in my everyday, normal life. Considering this, some of you may have questioned why in the world I would put myself through something that, for someone like me, would be the equivalent of two hours of extreme and unusual torture.

I hate to admit this but it had to do with that Boy I talked about earlier, the one who I’m still emotionally wrapped up in, but whom I am trying to cut out. In my last post, I talked about how I cut off our main source of communication, and how worried and panicked I was over the sudden loss and how it would change the dynamic of our relationship. If he would then wash his hands of me and how it was something I wanted and something I feared. The update on that situation is that he reached out to me within 24 hours of my cut off. While this made me happy, I was also upset because my good-intentioned plan was thwarted and I found myself in the same situation I was before. To top it off, the things he said to me in that conversation aggravated me and let me know, once again, just how much I have to step away.

Hence, my extreme decision to go on a speed date event.

It wasn’t my intention to use the guys at the event as a distraction or even as a substitute. I wasn’t expecting to find someone to date and fall into a relationship. I wasn’t going to date any of them as retaliation for what that Boy has said and done. That wasn’t at all what my going to a speed dating event was about.

It was about trying to get into a headspace where I wasn’t focusing attention on that Boy. It was about seeing what else was out there. Who else was out there. It was about meeting people who were interested in the things I was interested in, and who wanted the same things out of the people we were meeting as I did. It was about refocusing on the present and hanging up what was in the past. And lastly, it was about meeting members of the opposite sex without all of the emotional hangups, history, and anguish. Did I have that instantaneous pull towards any of the mini-dates that I did with the Boy? No. Is that a bad thing? I don’t think so.

In short, I just wanted to meet a nice boy who didn’t want to play games and was genuinely interested in getting to know a girl and not just in it for the chase.

Which is why I had to leave Handsome stranger.

I’m not going to lie, in the days after the encounter with Handsome stranger, I was loathe with regret. But I know I would probably feel horrible the next day if anything more happened with Handsome stranger because I wouldn’t be able to say for certain that the whole thing wouldn’t have been a direct reaction against the Boy. Sadly. Curse him.

And just an aside, how much do I absolutely love that my friends, in response to my story about Handsome stranger, asked the same question, “Did you at least get his number?” This isn’t meant to be patronizing but, that is. so. cute. I mean, the very instance of them asking that particular question is why we are friends. And yet, they’re all asking the wrong question. It isn’t “Did you get his number?” but rather, “Did he get your number?” It is not the same thing and is more revealing than anything else. Handsome stranger could have easily gotten my number. But he didn’t ask. Aka there wasn’t a reason for him to ask when it was clear that his interest in me was of limited standing and invitation. I am 99% sure he went home with someone else from that bar and didn’t think about me for a moment after I left.

I did learn a lot in that night, however, both about me and just how things are played.

1. I was super surprised by just how quickly and easily everything developed between Handsome stranger and me. I was just shocked. This might have to do with the fact that I normally don’t find myself in these kinds of situations because I tend to avoid social situations, and the fact that I’ve been largely overlooked as a woman for the past 2 years. This is probably the reason why things also went as far as they did with Handsome stranger. What? This Handsome stranger is interested in me? Well, alright then! (more on this revelation later)
   
   
   The end of that night had me meeting up with my bbff, Orange, and relating the whole thing to  him and his room mate. Both guys, they were just so interested in how I “got picked up” by Handsome stranger and how genius it was. They said that I was pretty much “primed” for that kind of interaction given the whole speed dating thing, and that it didn’t surprise them in the least that Handsome stranger and I ended up swapping spit. Whaaaat?
   
   2. This is going to sound pathetic, but thoughts of the Boy crossed my mind while I was with Handsome stranger. On the one hand, all of the romantic emotions that I am allowing myself to feel are wrapped up in the Boy. On the other hand, here was this handsome stranger with his handsome face, and I felt and truly understood, for the first time, what it must be like for the Boy.

Something that I just couldn’t really understand is how could the Boy (and guys in general) constantly choose the girls they didn’t really like over the girl they actually do like. Orange has tried to explain this to me many times but I didn’t truly get it until my encounter with Handsome stranger. Because to me, if you like someone, shouldn’t you just always choose them? Even if you didn’t want a relationship, shouldn’t the fact that you actually genuinely like this person make you want to be with them? As I get older it becomes increasingly apparent to me that there are fewer and fewer people with whom you can actually connect, and I just don’t understand how someone would be so willing to squander those connections in lieu of going after girls you don’t actually care about.

But in my interaction with Handsome stranger, I began to see, perhaps just a bit, of how it must be like for the Boy. Because for me, Handsome stranger was new and fun and this shiny, handsome thing, but for everything that he was, he didn’t make me feel any different towards the Boy. He didn’t replace the boy in my estimation, and, in fact, in my mind they were two completely different things. And in my mind, even though I had very real feelings towards the Boy, by the very fact that we didn’t have any sort of understanding—he’s not mine and I’m not his in any official capacity—I could easily have fallen into the arms of Handsome stranger without any feeling of regret or remorse. It was like a light bulb went off in my mind, “Ah, so that’s how it is.”

3. People often say that the best way to get over someone is to find someone new and I’d by lying if I didn’t say that in the days following, I didn’t think about Handsome stranger and what could have been if I had played things differently. But like I said, my affections still lie, for better but probably worse, with the Boy. And yet, if this single encounter was enough to make me at least think about other possibilities, how much worse would it be for the Boy, who has several girls he juggles on the regular? Despite all the distraction and girls and how easy it is to get caught up, what does it say about him that he still seeks out my attention? That’s an interesting train of thought.

So there it is. The events and analysis of a single night and all the things I gained from it. Oh, except, you may be wondering what ever happened with the two guys I picked from the speed dating event. Did they like me back? Did they pick me? Was it totally one-sided and I completely misread the situation? Will no one ever like me again?

Well, I’m happy to report that the two guys I chose also chose me. Phew. Waiting for the results was a bit nerve wracking! One of the two has messaged me and I’ll probably end up meeting him sometime later this week. We’ll see.

Overall, I think going to the speed date event was, for me, a success. Not so much that the guys I picked also chose me, but in the sense that it was a good experience for me, I had fun, and there was nothing terribly off-putting about the event or the people or anything really. I would say that if anyone is on the fence about going to one of these kinds of events, to just do it. You don’t lose anything by going and it’s just another way to meet people. Would I do it again? Sure, I don’t see why not. I don’t think I’ll go to one in the immediate future, because of the nature of things, but I have no regrets about going at all.